Reading this article in the New York Times about the new practice of some hospitals and doctors of actually apologizing for medical mistakes and making settlements without a lawsuit along with the prospect of a transplant soon triggered renewed thoughts about my difficulty fully and for good forgiving the psychiatrist responsible for my loss of kidney function and the others who contributed by failing to tell me I had been toxic 5 years earlier in a forced and illegal hospitalization (the psychiatrist said I did not meet criteria but he wanted to “keep me safe”, thanks so much, I was molested and made toxic, so safe, NOT, Dr. Zavodnik). I have struggled for years now to forgive Dr. David L. Fink of Philadelphia. He never apologized for his mistake, he never took any responsibility at all, in fact he tried to tell me that my kidneys would last a very long time when I was already at 2.0 creatinine. (Okay, so he’s also an idiot.) The New York Times article quotes a doctor saying patients should not pay the economic consequences for doctors’ and hospitals’ mistakes but that is exactly what I am doing and will be doing for the rest of my life while Dr. Fink goes merrily on his way earning a good salary and telling every new patient how lucky they are to have him as a doctor. Hey, he was in the Best Doctors of America at the time he made the mistake that killed my kidneys! He must be wonderful, other doctors say so!
So hard to forgive someone when they never ask for forgiveness nor make any gesture towards taking responsibility, especially someone who had no problem yelling at his own patients if he felt they were not meeting his standards for personal responsibility-I saw it happen to 2 of his patients in front of me. Yes, he is the arbiter of what is responsible behavior for his patients, yet he takes no personal responbility at all for his own dangerous mistake.
I need to let go of the anger and the wish for reconciliation because that is never going to happen. He is not capable of feeling regret nor responsibility, that is very clear. One can not change someone who does not want to change. We have not spoken in many years now. The process of forgiveness is not for him but for me, he will never know that I have forgiven him if I get there. I have a personal belief in forgiveness and I usually do not have much trouble with carrying it out. But with David Fink, well, I am falling down on the job, not meeting my own standards for myself because there is hidden under the surface a deep anger at all the pain and all the lost productive years and all the expense and limitations on what I can do with my life that he caused by his mistake and never even said I am sorry I did this to you, it was a mistake, I wish I could take it back and I will never do this to another patient.
I read books on forgiveness, they don’t help much. I know that this forgiveness is going to have to come through grace. I hope I can let that grace into my life.
